What better a day than Earth Day ’09 to talk a little about weirdo hippies?

Dear Blog: Today I saw a guy wearing a tie dyed t-shirt over a tie dyed long sleeve shirt, a cowboy fringe vest over that, cargo shorts, and a cowboy hat. Just as I was thinking to myself WTF, I remembered it was Earth Day. Unfortunately, I got the feeling that his outfit was something he wears all the time.
Please note that I have nothing against tie dye, but I thought I was seriously going to have a seizure when I saw the combo. Wow.

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I always pass this place on my walk into town (and choke on the greasy smells that fill up the air surrounding the plaza it’s in), and of course when they put up their “Hippie specials” I had to see what all the fuss was about. It was kind of about….nothing.
Here’s how my conversation with the waitress went:

“Hi, um, what are your hippie specials?”

“Well, right now it’s an omelet with feta, spinach, and tomato, but it’s normally just any kind of small bit of food.”

Right.

My housemate informs me the owner/cook has thrown people out before for being Republican, which I have to say is quite amusing.

You know what else I find amusing? When people come up with food and drink ideas that are just so completely horrific, you have to laugh.
Case in point:
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Yes, quinoa gold. A blend of quinoa, water, agave, and natural flavors. In a pina colada flavor, nonetheless! (Please note the quinoa sludge at the bottom of the bottle.) I don’t normally go for pina colada flavor, so I had a bad feeling about it.
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It got worse when I smelled it.

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It was so revolting. Ugh ugh ugh. I hate wasting food, but I just couldn’t make myself drink it. Luckily, it was a free sample, so that makes it a little better, but not much.

But I mean, who else but a weirdo hippie comes up with a quinoa drink? Please don’t make millet milk next, that’s all I ask.

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My mom has this friend who used to make a chocolate mayonnaise cake (actually, I bet she still makes it), and apparently it was a pretty great cake. As revolting as it sounds, I can see where mayonnaise would make for a moist cake. Side note: this lady’s now deceased husband had two heart attacks, and she has had (at least) one.
It’s not a joking matter, but is it any wonder?

I myself had a horribly scarring childhood incident involving a mayonnaise + bologna sandwich (mayonnaise being the main ingredient), and every so often I think of it and shudder, but I pushed the memory out of my mind because I really wanted to make a chocolate mayonnaise cake.

I figured mayo cake was a countryish thing, and indeed, it is. I found a recipe online (this one) and read and ignored the reviews, partly because the reviews were mixed and partly because of the spelling. Does that make me a horrible person?

“I would deffinatly make this type of cake instead of using veggitable oil and eggs.”

This one is just plain scary:

“I made this cake for some friends and it was a big hit. This cake was sooooo moist and delicious. In addition to the ingredients specified, I added a box of chocolate fudge instant pudding along with 3 eggs, and 1 cup of Hellmann’s Lite Mayonnaise instead of 3/4 cup. This would make an excellent birthday cake for those chocolate lovers.”

Anyhoo, the mayonnaise stands in for oil and eggs, so all I had to do was use vegenaise instead of it. I added a little black cocoa powder to it, and I had high hopes for it, because the batter was frickin’ delicious. It took me literally five minutes to throw together, and as I was licking the bowl my housemate came out of her room and asked me what I was making. I didn’t want to tell her it was mayonnaise cake in case that grossed her out enough to not want any, so I said nonchalantly, “I’m making chocolate cake, yum!” My plan was that after it was done I’d give her a piece of the cake, watch her eat it, and when she was done watch her reaction as I told her there was vegenaise in it.

Well. If there ever was a time to use epic fail in a sentence, this would be it.
The texture is okay, but the taste is completely lackluster. So sad. It’s like the proverbial bad vegan cake recipe x infinity. I made a coffee icing to go on it to try to save it, and it helped a little, but it’s still a failure. I want to say my mom’s friend used to make a mayonnaise + chocolate icing for the cake, but I could just be making that up for the grossness factor. In fact, I think I am.

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You win some, you lose some, right dudes?